Destroy All Undergraduates! [1]

Dear undergraduates on the U1A bus to Wessex Lane,

I couldn’t help but overhear your braying conversation at the bus stop and on the bus. Thank you for subjecting me to it. Lest you continue to behave like over-privileged, slack-witted Sloanes, may I offer the following observations:

  1. I’m glad that you found common ground in the fact that you both live in London near Victoria Line stations. It’s such a coincidence that one of you lives near Highbury and Islington, and the other lives near Walthamstow – there can be only 400,000 other people that could say the same.
  2. Alfred Hitchcock was born and raised in Leytonstone, not in Walthamstow. Cretin.
  3. What an amazing coincidence! Your parents come from Sicily, and your parents have a second house in Perugia!
  4. Please be aware that “starting a theatre company”, “starting a record label” and “becoming a writer, y’know” are stereotypical careers for upper-middle class children with wealthy parents to support them.
  5. Wow! You’re going on holiday to the Amazon this summer! How cool is that? Eco-tourism is such a good way to show your love for the planet, especially when you have to travel halfway round the world to do so.
  6. Yes, your personal tutor probably is quite sick of you if you’ve been to see them three times this year to change course, expressing a preference for a different course each time. They will probably be quite happy to see you go, just as soon as you make up your mind which course you want to study.
  7. Please be aware that both Music and Film are stereotypical degree courses for upper-middle class children with wealthy parents to support them[2]. Have you considered History of Art? I understand that the male-female ratio would be more in your favour there.

No love,


[1] Except for the ones on my friends list, who are all lovely people.

[2] I’m not saying that everyone that studies Film, Music or History of Art is a UMCCWWPTST, just that they’re rather over-represented on those courses.

(it’s at times like this that a) I’m glad that I didn’t do my undergrad degree at Southampton and b) I remember why I hated the Wessex Lane halls)

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