Nick Gibbins

Good intro. It’s another ballad, obv. She’s slightly off-key, though. Not a bad entry for all of that, though.

Any song with “chicki chiki” in the title has to be a winner. Or dire. Intro on a cheap children’s toy guitar – sounds a bit 24.99 from Argos. I think that they’re trying to recreate the Macarena. Give it up, guys. And lose the wigs. srsly. And they’ve name-checked Robocop. Words are insufficient to express just how awful this is.

Trying too hard to look like Britney. And the song’s pretty poor too.

Enough of the shrieking already, please. Also, why does the singer-dressed-as-the-devil seem to be gargling instead of singing? I don’t see much chance of the Azerbaijani national broadcaster being bankrupted next year.

Chivers? Is this a song about marmalade? Or is it about cheap Masterfoods-produced chocolate bars? Who can tell! Love the backing singers though – I might actually go and buy this.

Will probably do well in the gay nightclub scene. Otherwise forgettable. Starting to think that Croatia wasn’t as bad as all that, even if the lyrics didn’t survive translation.

A Song with a Message, and they’re going to sing at us out of tune until we listen. Or change the channel. Also, sunglasses and a bad Hollywood cyberpunk aesthetic? Please, no. Oh I see, it’s a Bucks Fizz homage, but now they’re all wearing Things To Come-esque white (and the male backing singer is too porky for those pleats).

Denmark does Dexy’s Midnight Runners. Actually not too bad at all. Cheery feel-good song with a catchy riff and chorus. I could see the doorman whistling this one.

Why did she start off in monochrome? Bad, scary make-up. Cher plus Celine Dion.

Portugal: dreary. It’s a good ballad, but I don’t think that it’s got enough energy to do well. Latvia: Unlike this – Hi-NRG camp pirates. Eurovision at its best, surely. Bosnia still has my vote though, followed by Turkey.